Sitting on the couch, laptop perched on my quads, eyes wandering around the room, wondering why I even turned the computer on, I exclaimed to my wife in the tone of a six-year-old toward the end of the excruciating summer holidays, “I’m bored!”

Without moving her head from whatever fascinating program had her transfixed to her iPad, came the emotionless response. “Why are you bored?” I didn’t know if this was a rhetorical question, but since it showed minutely more interest than, “That’s nice dear.” I thought I should attempt to keep the conversation moving.

“I think I’ve over vegged.” Barb’s instant animated reaction was, “That’s bloody obvious! What are you going to do about it?”

Let me explain.

After months of hectic report writing to meet critical deadlines, the company I consult to recognized signs of burnout and suggested that I take advantage of a quiet time and take two weeks off to smell the roses.

Normally, under these circumstances I plunge head first into personal projects like building a deck, erecting a fence, pruning trees, and other outdoor activities that improve my physical and mental fitness. However, the weather forecast promised persistent wind and rain, so I made the out-of-character decision to explore the mysterious world of the couch potato.

I had all the necessary tools to conduct my experiment – a comfy recliner, a 60inch TV screen, Netflix and Foxtel accounts, Starlink unlimited internet, a smart phone, laptop and a fridge full of goodies. I had no distractions since Barb was working, so the lounge room was my oyster.

Sliding out of bed sometime mid-morning seemed the appropriate starting point, a long hot shower to thaw my muscles that had contorted after 10 hours of immobility, a breakfast of reheated leftovers and mount the recliner.

“Let’s see what that mad bastard did overnight?” was my first mission, then hopefully catch  Justine’s Gourmet Chef for some culinary inspiration before, whatever.

I watched some thought provoking UFO documentaries, a couple of true-life murder mysteries, a heap of cooking shows and wore out the scroll button on my remote trying to avoid the mountain of utter crap that the commercial insisted would benefit well-being.

At 4:30 pm guilt would tug at my toes, so last night’s dishes were washed before Barb’s return. If she was lucky I may attempt one of Jamie’s or Justine’s simpler recipes before settling in to the evening viewing.

It is amazing how tired I was after a day of solid inactivity, retiring by 8:30 pm for another night of restless discomfort.

I realized after a week of consciously inducing a vegetative state, that my brain and my body were devoid of energy and inspiration. I tried to motivate myself by venturing into my shed that houses all manner of fun distractions like a drum kit, dart board, exercise bike and a fully equipped workshop. In no time, hunger drew me back into the house. The TV went on while I was reheating a quick meal,then the cycle repeated.

My conclusion is that couch potato kingdom is a very dark place and lounge lizards are a doomed species. I resolve, with the writing of this article, to return to my active life where aches and pains remind me of achievements, my brain no longer wallows aimlessly in a sea of sludge, and I never again utter those two words of shame, “I’m bored.”

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